Is Anybody Listening?
by shukuchi
Summary: This is a one-shot songfic about Sanzo and Goku's lives before they met. It is very angsty and sad, to help show how much they need each other.


Is Anybody Listening?

By shukuchi

This is my first Saiyuki fanfic, but that doesn't mean I want you to be nicer in the reviews. Be honest, I can handle compliments and criticisms, and even if it's a flame, that implies that someone read the whole thing.

I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki or the song (with lyrics italicizes) _SOS _which is by Good Charlotte. There is one minor modification to it in this fanfiction, which is that one of the chorus repetitions wasn't used. Otherwise, I'm a baka if there's anything wrong with it...

Please, please, please review...

_Is anybody listening?_

Cold... The river, usually peacefully majestic, was flooding with spring rains, and now it streamed through faster than it should, not waiting for anything, anyone, not caring what was in its path, obsessed only with going forward, and nothing else mattered. Caught in its waves was a single child, a boy who couldn't have been more than a few years old. His short puffs of gold hair floated in the turbulent water, a success that he could not achieve. Though there were no chunks of ice in the water, it wouldn't have surprised him if there were.

_Can you hear me when I call?_

He pushed upwards again, trying to bite into the air as though he could drag it down with him if he did. Shivers shook his body, tearing away the precious strength that was needed to live. Why were the riverbanks so far away?

_  
_The water was an enemy, an enemy that beat against him, tried to pull the toddler down and freeze him to death. He had to fight... He had to...

_I'm shooting signals in the air,  
Cuz I need somebody's help_

The ground so far off, with its soft grass and even the gritty gravel... it all looked like such a perfect paradise, if only he could get there! If only he could jump from the water and fly, run, somehow! There were people there, in pale yellow robes, with bald heads. They saw him! Why weren't they coming? Why? Even if his loudest scream was only a soft whimper... they saw him... Why weren't they coming?

_I can't make it on my own,_

_  
_Pressing down... pulling down came the waves, flowing into his mouth even during the child's few short breathes. They made him cough and choke, and slip back into that cold mass again. No... the air... Anyone but him would have given up by then, but he still struggled.

_So I'm giving up myself_

Struggling is not always enough. Blackness started to sneak in around the edge of his vision, until he could no longer tell which way was up. No choice... but to fall down, into the darkness. He couldn't die... couldn't... something... there was still something to live for... Even if he didn't know what... even if he'd never find out...

_Is anybody listening?listening._

He was unconscious too fast to hear the splash, to feel the warm arms that closed around him, to meet the only one who'd listened to his soft whimper. Instead, he rested in the darkness, sleeping peacefully.

_  
_When he woke up, the child was in a temple. He was called "Koryu" there, named for the river he had been saved from. He did not understand the insult in that word.

_I've been stranded here and I'm miles away  
_

Koryu sat still, with his eyes closed in reverence and prayer. No... Not Koryu anymore... Priest Genjo Sanzo. He didn't deserve the title, didn't even believe in the gods, much less worship them... but Master Sanzo thought he was worthy. Master Sanzo thought he was strong.

_Making signals hoping they save me_

A small smile touched his lips as he thought of him- the man who had saved him, whom he admired more than anyone else. He opened his eyes to gaze adoringly at the old man now meditating with much more concentration and success than Koryu could achieve right now. His master's eyes were always closed... Maybe so that he could meditate even as he walked and spoke.

_I lock myself inside these walls_

Koryu had seen the other monks who thought they were enlightened, who made such a big deal of constantly quoting the Buddha and keeping a completely calm, emotionless visage... but they were all fakes. His master rarely quoted the scriptures, and would even specifically avoid places or times when he'd be required to, and instead lived with his own knowledge, his own thoughts... Thoughts that were peaceful and would make even endless rains and worries about them seem okay. His gentle smile was frequently shown, but it was not his only expression. He was not some sort of statue that could never change or feel more than one emotion... He was a living, breathing human. And that made him perfect.

_Cuz out there I'm always wrong_

"Hey," the new Sanzo asked softly, blushing slightly as he wondered whether his words were appropriate, "when it stops raining... maybe we could fly some paper airplanes... As a celebration."

Komyou smiled softly, giving a small shrug to show that he was listening. "Perhaps."

_I don't think I'm gonna make it_

That was when the door was broken in. The demons swarmed into the room, snarling and jeering at them. "Give up the scriptures and we might let you live!" one yelled, causing the others to laugh and jeer even more. The two Sanzos stood as one, preparing to fight.

_So while I'm sitting here on the eve of my defeat_

A small doubt shook in the back of the blonde boy's mind. What if the two of them weren't good enough? There were so many demons... wouldn't it be better to surrender and ambush them on the road? He gave the older man a nervous, questioning glance... And that was when it happened.

At first, he didn't even realize what was happening... Just saw Komyou suddenly moving in front of him. What was he doing? Why?

_I write this letter and hope it saves me_

And then, milliseconds later, though it seemed like hours, he understood. He saw the demon that had started to lunge forward while he was distracted. All he could do was stare as blood spurted over him... Blood that signified the death of the most important person in his life.

__

Is anybody listening?

Genjo Sanzo strode through the town, frequently increasing his pace. Where was this? There had been no leads to who had killed his master those few short months ago, and it was about time to get back to the inn. Tendrils of blood were dipping across the sky, a sign that night would be here soon. It'd be nearly impossible to find his way back without light.

_Can they hear me when I call?_

He rounded a corner and found himself in a fairly dark, dismal poor neighborhood. The brick houses had dirt smeared across their sides haphazardly, the result of decades of neglect. The grime had rubbed into the structures themselves, drying into a thick coat of muck that stunk and was a home to all sorts of insects. And the other shelters were like giant wooden boxes that seemed to mold and be only a few minutes away from collapsing. It was not where Sanzo wanted to be.

_I'm shooting signals in the air_

He started to turn to leave when something caught his eyes. Two burly, gruff men were in a vicious knife-fight, and his eyes widened as he watched flecks of red slip from each of them. The blonde took an involuntary step backwards, when he felt a hand on his shoulder and spun around.

_'Cause I need somebody's help_

It was another man, muscular and tanned from hard work. He gave a smile as he said, "You lost, boy? Don't worry- I'll help you find your way back."

_I can't make it on my own_

Sanzo relaxed as the hand returned to his shoulder and the two walked side-by-side. It was alright... Everything would be fine...

Suddenly, he was roughly yanked against the older one's chest and a hand latched itself around his chin. "You're a pretty one... Looks like a lot of fun to me." He stared up at the ugly, greasy smirking face for a moment in horror- and then started wriggling, kicking-anything to get away! Finally, he managed to slide free and searched in his robe desperately- where was the gun! Already, hearing the commotion, more shapes were emerging from the dark spaces between buildings. One of the shadows, blurred and distorted in the eyes filling with scared tears, started coming closer, snarling out, "Be a good little boy and don't bother with all that running."

Sanzo's hand closed on the cool metal of the gun. He raised it, aimed straight ahead-

_So I'm giving up myself_

And shot.

"How could you have done this? Buddhism forbids killing! Master Komyou was murdered- will you become a murderer in return!" The thoughts wouldn't stop echoing through his head, the screams of the dying man adding a horrifying harmony to Sanzo's pain. Yet, more forms moved forward, and he knew he'd be killed if a single one of them got close enough. How he managed to hit, he didn't know, but soon it was only him backed up against a wall and the first man to grab him, even as he bled from a fatal wound dragging himself towards the boy, clasping onto the child's ankles as though they were part of a ladder he was going to climb. Sanzo jerkily pressed his gun to the man's forehead and pulled the trigger, shutting his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the blood, wouldn't have to watch another gruesome death...

_Is anybody listening?listening._

When he opened his eyes again, he only stared for a moment before running as fast as he could, not knowing who he was looking for, what he was trying to find, just being sure that he didn't want to be there anymore. He didn't want to go from Koryu the River Rat to Genjo Sanzo the Murderer.

But it was too late, There was blood on his hands now.

_I'm stuck in my own head and I'm oceans away_

The sunrise... It was always one of the most beautiful parts of the day. A little boy sitting in a cave smiled as he sleepily opened his eyes to greet the light. "Hey... You're out again today. It's been a while... Thought maybe you were angry at me..." He sat up to watch the clouds, the way they always got all pretty, so bright red and orange, when they were getting the sky ready for the sun. Most people wouldn't understand... but he envied the clouds. They got to stay with the sun all day, and they were always the first ones to see it. Not him... He had to wait. But that was okay. It'd be worth it once the light came.

_Would anybody notice if I chose to stay?_

He gingerly reached an arm out through the bars to pick up a few fall leaves, and he dropped them above his head. "Now I'm all pretty like the clouds... Can I come out?" No one said anything, but they never did. Sometimes, a bit of a breeze would acknowledge him...

_I'll send an S.O.S. tonight_

Except for once. He had been talking to the sun, happily rambling on about this strange bug he had seen (but wasn't close enough to reach), when it got angry, or bored, or sad, he didn't know. What had happened then was that a cloud had suddenly floated above, covering him with a shadow. It was cold. He had tried asking the sun to come back, apologizing and pleading, but it didn't respond. Well, maybe it did, because eventually it started raining. And the little brunette boy had cried with the sky, whispering, "I miss him too," and wishing that the light would return. Luckily, the sun forgave him. It was back the next morning without a single other gaudy, pink-and-white mass in the sky to announce its presence. That day had been just for it and Goku.

_And wonder if I will survive_

Goku... It was his name, though he didn't know how. He didn't know how he was able to talk either, how he knew what the words were... he just did. The same way he knew that being in the cave was wrong. He didn't belong in there... but maybe he did. Goku couldn't remember anything before the cave... no matter how much he wanted to. This... seemed like some sort of punishment, so there had to have been something he did that was wrong... or else why would he be in here? Otherwise... he'd be out there with the sun.

_How in the hell did I get so far away this time?_

The boy didn't think he could fly, and he'd tried unsuccessfully often enough to reach the sun. Somehow, though, he knew that there was a sun he could be with, not the one in the sky, but a different one, a one who'd never be gone for long, a sun that he could stay with forever. Goku couldn't reach him either. He couldn't even see that sun...

_So now I'm sitting here  
And the time of my departure's near_

A grasping hand stretched further through then bars, to grab some more leaves, and he winced. The bruises hurt... Usually, they'd be gone by now, but he'd mangled up his shoulder pretty bad yesterday. Yesterday, the sun had seemed closer than usual. Like he could grab it! Touch those rays of light! So he'd stretched out a hand, but it was still a few inches off. He'd pushed further, and further, until he was ramming his whole torso against the opening between those two stone bars. A few more inches, and he'd be free...

_I say a prayer please, someone save me_

It didn't work. All that happened was that he'd managed to scrape and bruise his shoulder trying. The sun disappeared that evening as it always did, and the clouds hid the stars.

_  
I'm lost here  
I can't make it on my own_

Sanzo calmly walked into a temple, or at least he did his best to seem that way. He hated it... Nodding and bowing, accepting their kind words, their accusations that being a high-ranked priest meant anything...

It didn't. He was just someone who carried a scripture. Not someone special... The one who had deserved all of this was dead.

He had thought Koryu, was strong. Maybe so... but Sanzo was not. Genjo Sanzo was no more than a weak man pretending he didn't care enough to feel anything.

And he shouldn't be going through all the ceremonies meant for the one who was dead.

The blonde priest departed for his room as soon as he could and glanced out a window. The clouds he had seen on his way there had melted into rain.

_  
I don't wanna die alone  
I'm so scared  
_

He'd fallen asleep at the edge of the cave, limbs stretching out into the dirt beyond his cell. And now, waking up, for the first time in a long time, he didn't look for the sun. Instead, all of Goku's attention was focused on what was on his hand.

It was a beautiful creature... Golden, like the sun... A bird. He had seen birds before, they could fly! It wasn't just like the sun; it was the sun, come down to visit him after all this time!

No... The sun was making its entrance in the sky the same way as always. This creature wasn't the sun... But still... It had come to him. That was more than anything else had done.

He slowly moved his hand into the cave, and the tiny bird chirped in response as it lightly flapped its wings. "No..." whispered Goku, not wanting it to leave.

It didn't. Instead, the fluffy creature moved to perch on one of his fingers, and he gave a small laugh as he held it close.

_Drowning now_

Rain... outside the window. Lightly pattering against the wall and ground...

It wasn't hitting lightly at all. It hid the danger... Concealed the demons... Screamed out, "You weren't good enough! Because of you, your weakness-"

He's dead.

_  
Reaching out_

He opened his eyes and looked out for the bird, his one friend.

And there it was. Lying on the cold, snowy ground without moving... "Just tired.." he whispered, "not hurt. Never hurt. Come on, I'll make you feel better."

Goku stretched a hand out through the bars.

_  
Holding onto everything I know_

There was only one thing he had left that had been Komyou's. The Matan Scripture. Still... It had always been with him, until that last night when he had given it to Sanzo. It was still a part of the older priest...

He lightly wrapped a hand around the scripture. Maybe it would help... maybe he could pretend that Komyou was back again...

His grip tightened. He was still alone.

_  
Crying out_

Not far enough... Goku's arm wasn't long enough to reach his companion.

Like it hadn't been long enough to reach the sun.

If he could only reach... He knew he could save it, make it all better... If only he could...

_  
Dying now_

Sanzo curled around the scripture, around the only thing left of his master that wasn't a memory. He wrapped himself around it more tightly, as he wished the pain would go away.

Not to forget... but to have him back...

Was that too much to ask?

_  
Need some help_

No matter what... Things couldn't change. He hadn't been good enough...

And now the one who was most important was dead.__

Is anybody listening?

It didn't make a difference what Sanzo did. Things never changed... never got any better...

Well, he thought as a bitter smirk worked its way into his features, an expression that was gradually becoming more and more ingrained, at least most of the rapists were gone. He'd grown a bit big to count as "easy prey".

If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. If you meet your father, kill your father. Free of everything, you are bound by nothing.

Bound by nothing, you have nothing left to lose...

_  
Can they hear me when I call?_

The bird was gone. When the snow had melted a little bit, the last bundle of feathers had slid away, down the mountain, to a place where he could never go. The sun tried to reassure him, but it wasn't the same.

The warmth of sunlight wasn't the softness of feathers. Sunlight had no texture... He couldn't hug it to feel better, he couldn't cry into it... He couldn't even reach out a hand to prove that it was still there.

Goku gave out a few choked whispers, wishing more than anything that he could feel or see something, anything, other than that horrible dirt, cold snow, and dead leaves. That someone would remember he was there and come for him. Someone who'd come and take him where the rain didn't block the sun, where the snow wasn't so deep and lonely...

_  
Shooting signals in the air_

He didn't even know what it was, but the feeling didn't come from the priest. He didn't even know how he knew that, but there was definitely something wrong with it.

And it bugged the heck out of him.

Like there weren't enough problems on his plate. Like he needed someone else to scream their pain at him...

_  
I need somebody's help_

It was snowing again, but this time it didn't stop. It wasn't content with taking away the one creature that had noticed him, now it was there to take away the sun.

All day it rose, up along the bars and edge of the cave until there was no space left for the sun if it did come out. Finally, everything was black. Goku screamed, but the sound didn't move past the wall of white. So dark...

He knew it would be at least a few days until he saw the sun.

_  
I can't make it on my own_

That winter had been the worst. The voice had disturbed his sleep, made those monks even more intolerable than usual...

It was time to shut up the voice. He was pretty sure he knew where it was coming from...

Yes, making it shut up: the only reason to possibly find whoever it was.

_  
I'm giving up myself_

Goku sat still, watching. Maybe there'd be another bird... All the birds came back in spring.

Maybe his bird would come back.

He gave a small smile and hoped.

_  
Is anybody listening?_

Sanzo had finally gotten there. He found himself in front of a sort of enclosure carved into the side of the mountain, and inside was the boy who'd kept calling for him.

He meant to smack him upside the head for all the sleepless nights he'd caused...

But the boy gave him such an idiotic, stunned look that he couldn't. There was no way he would've hit him after that.

Instead, the shining priest held out a hand...


End file.
